‘Truth’ or a Meaningful Life?

We all have thoughts about ourselves. Often we hold very strongly to some that are not-so-positive. “I’m a failure”, “no one could ever love me”, “I can’t do this”, “I’m not capable of that”, “If I let them get close then they’ll find out who I really am”, “I’m too fat / skinny to do X”, “I’m too stupid to do Y”…

You might have tried getting rid of those thoughts. You might have good reasons for believing they’re true. They possibly decide much of what you do and don’t do in your life.

But what if they didn’t have to?

A question posed by many people working with an ACT approach is: (saying for now that the not-so-helpful thought is true), what is more important to you? Believing and responding to the ‘truth’ of this thought, or living a meaningful and fulfilling life?

That is all that I want to leave you with this time; even if that thought that you have about yourself is true, is that truth more important to you than living the life you want to live?

Share it with someone, whatever your answer!

That ‘Still Small Voice’

Have your heard that little voice in your head lately? The one that says you should double check that you turned off the oven, or tells you that you need to get away from the computer screen and out into some fresh air?

That voice that tells you that soup and a sandwich would be a healthier choice than a meat pie and a doughnut, and that one that tells you that you should be doing your homework instead of whiling away time on Facebook.

How often to we hear this quiet but persistent voice but simply dismiss it or ignore it?

What would happen if we chose to listen to and respond to it instead?

What if we worked to strengthen that voice?

I wonder what difference decisions we would make and potentially what different lives we would live?

My challenge for you is to tune into it for just a day – make a concerted effort to hear what it is saying and then choose what you’ll do.

How do we know when we’re not listening to it? We can feel uneasy or sick or anxious. We can feel irritable or just out-of-sorts. So when you’re feeling these things, check in with yourself… Is that little voice trying to tell you something, and if so, what is it?

Surviving year 12 (and other crazy study periods)

Year 12 can be a very challenging time for many people – the enormous pressure placed on individuals (by others and by themselves), can make it an almost impossibly tough year. Often we have been told, in one way or another, that how we perform in this year will determine how we live and what we are able to do for the rest of our lives. We are told that this one year is instrumental in deciding whether we will be ‘successful’ or not.  Work levels and day-to-day pressures aside, this idea alone would be a lot for anyone to cope with! Despite the external things that we don’t have control over, there are some things that we can do to make the time more manageable:

1.       Know that this year will not determine the rest of your life. Yes, it will ‘shape’ the direction that you head in, but there are many different paths to get to where you want to go. Many many successful people who did not perform brilliantly (or at all) in this final year have found alternate avenues to get to where they wanted to be.

2.       Plan your time. Set yourself defined ‘study time’. Set yourself a ‘bed-time’ (and stick to it). Allocate ‘time off’ and time for exercise and fresh air. A ‘study plan’ (what you will do and when) is a very effective tool, but the other components are just as essential in keeping your sanity and maintaining health and wellness. If health and wellness don’t feel like your top priority this year, consider how much more effectively you work when you are physically and emotionally healthy.

3.       Use your time effectively. It is possible to study for hours, yet not make any progress. Often when we are tired, aren’t sure of the subject matter, or too worried about getting things ‘right’, the amount of actual work we get done decreases. When you notice that you are ‘studying’ but not really getting anywhere with it, take some time out. First, breathe, and then to think about what might be going on. Do you need to review your material or ask for help? Are you putting too much pressure on yourself to get it ‘right’? Do you need to eat something or catch up on some sleep so that you can think more clearly? Whatever it is, there is usually something that can help; accessing that thing is the next step.

4.       Ask for help. Whatever type of help you need, ask for it. It may be tutoring, it might be someone to talk to (friends, family or a counsellor). You may need help setting up a workable routine for yourself. Help is out there – just google what’s available locally (and check out Reachout! At www.au.reachout.com)

5.       Reflect on what you value. You may value good grades and your idea of success, but what other the other things that you value in life? What do you value in people? In relationships? In your home? Look at all of these different things and more – don’t let this one year define you – you are and always will be more than the sum of your study and/or work.

I’d love for other people to share their thoughts on what is (or what did!) help them get through a challenging study period; we all know more than we give ourselves credit for, so here’s your chance to share your tips and maybe pick some up!

Kind regards,

Amy

Related Articles

• Study better: Space it out and mix it up (psychologytoday.com)
• How Do You Define Success? (lifescript.com)

What to do when you are Lost

Some times we lose our way.

“I’m lost”, we say.

What do we really mean by this?

Do we mean that we don’t know where we are?

Or do we mean that we’re not where we’d like to be?

Or don’t know how we got to a particular place?

Or  maybe that we just don’t know the ‘way out?

I think we often mean that we don’t know what direction to take from a particular point.

Somehow, we have ended up somewhere that we don’t want to be any more, and we’re not sure which way to move to change things.

So, what can we do when we are ‘lost?’

Does anyone remember what our teachers and parents told us?

“When you are lost, STOP and stay where you are”.

I think that although this was said in a different context, that it has some validity when it comes to being metaphorically (psychologically, emotionally) lost, also.

Instead of continuing to wander in circles or even further from our destination, what would happen if we just STOPPED and took stock?

What if we took the time to stand still, assess our situation, take stock of our resources (internal and external) and sit down to devise a feasible plan of action?

Ask yourself these questions (add some of your own):

• If I step back and stop judging what is going on inside and around me, what is the greater reality of the situation? Is it as bad as I feel that it is?
• How did I ‘find my way’ last time I felt ‘lost’?
• Are we ever really lost? Do you remember that saying “wherever you go, there you are”?
• What path do I want to walk on? What does it look like? What is the first thing that I would need to do in order to walk that path?

We may not have chosen to lose our way, but we can choose what we do when it happens.

Stop, sit down. Take a deep breath. Assess your surroundings.

Now, what is the first thing that you need to do to walk the path that you want to be walking?

DO IT.

Edited to Add.. A wise person suggested (after reading this), that at times,  ‘lost’ can be when we stop being true to ourselves. That in a sense, we ‘lose ourselves‘. The followed up with some additional questions to ask ones’ self: “Is what I’m doing / saying being true to myself?” Asking ourselves this question can be a way to help us ‘find’ ourselves again – to help as live in line with our own being and values. I thought it a valid contribution to add!

The Rules we Make and Live By

Frustration, anger, resentment, upset, disappointment.

These are just some of the feelings that we can get when Our Rules have been broken.

By Our Rules, I mean all those guidelines, expectations or rules that we expect ourselves or others to adhere to in life. We don’t realise we hold most of them until we really start to pay attention (and even more so, until they’re broken). When you look closely, you’ll find that we have rules for everything.

Social interaction:

“When I say ‘hello’ and smile, you are meant to say ‘hello’ and smile back”

“When I ask a question, you are meant to give an answer”

For work or study:

“I should write at least one blog post a week and it should be written on a Monday”

“I should get at least a B on all my papers, otherwise I’m a failure”

Living situations:

“If I wash the dishes, it is someone else’s job to put them away”

“Whoever doesn’t have the cat on their lap has to get up and answer the door”

What is the point of becoming more aware of our own rules though? Aren’t they fair enough? Don’t they make the world go ’round?

Maybe. But how do you feel when one of your rules is broken? What happens if you smile and say hello, but the other person ignores you? How do you feel if you get a C or a D on a paper? We can’t govern what others do, but we can chose how we react and respond when they break our rules.

Some time ago I started writing down some my rules. I wrote them down as I noticed them being broken. I knew a rule had been broken because I was feeling angry or hurt or disappointed (or just something other than happy or content). I would feel badly and ask myself “okay, what rule do I have that has just been broken?” It turned into a game for me and it allowed me to smile at myself; “Jane didn’t say ‘hello’ to me as she came into the office.. Oh wow, I have a rule that Jane is supposed to say ‘hello’ to me every time she walks in at the beginning of the day.” Jane broke my rule by not saying ‘hello’. Who’s rule did she break? My rule. In this situation, noticing this allowed me to ask myself why Jane should say ‘hello’ to me – did we come up with this rule together and agree that this is what would happen? No. I made this rule up and I just expect Jane to follow it. Hrmm. Why should she though? It is not her rule. Recognising this allowed me to more easily shrug my shoulders and move on. Not surprisingly my list grew very quickly.

Yesterday I was feeling upset and disappointed with myself for not having written a blog post this week. Usually I love writing them, so why I hadn’t I written one? After all, it was Tuesday, and that is my deadline.  I expressed my upset to someone.. who fairly asked me who decided that a post must be written on Monday or Tuesday of each new week. “Who made up that rule?” she asked. I was caught out. “I did.”  “So who can change it if they want to?” (fair play). “I can.”

When we find ourselves upset or angry for breaking our own rules we have even greater  power to change how we respond, because not only can we understand why we’re feeling a certain way and have a chuckle about it but we have the additional power to re-write our rules, or even just discard ones that aren’t working for us anymore.

Some rules are good. They give us guidelines to live by and can help us with self-discipline and to reach out goals. They can help us engage in positive social interaction. There is a reason that we have them.

However, at the end of the day, when our rules are being broken and we’re not happy about it, isn’t it good to be able to reflect and realise that we are the ones who decide what they are? And more so, ask yourself,  isn’t it really kind of funny that we metaphorically write our own rule book for life, don’t read it ourselves or show it to anyone else, but expect everyone to abide by what’s in it?!

I wonder what your rules are…

How to be Alone

This morning I watched a You Tube video shared by a friend, and I knew instantly what this blog was going to be about. It is called (and found at) ‘How to be Alone’ and is by Andrea Davis (writer) and Andrea Dorfman (film-maker).

How many of us struggle at various times with feelings of ‘loneliness’?

How many of us find it difficult to feel a sense of peace and self-worth while alone with nought but our own company?

How many of us run from ourselves, keeping busy by shopping, television, gatherings, friends, Facebook… whatever the escape?

How many of us struggle to be with ourselves – un-interrupted – for even just an hour?

How many of us feel like less of a person because our social calendar is not full or we to not have a romantic partner?

How beautiful and peaceful it might feel if we could embrace our ‘aloneness’ without feeling disconnected from life, the world… from feelings of self-worth?

It is not that being with people and having those connections is not okay or important or precious… it is about how we be with ourselves in those times when they are not there or visible.

I invite you to watch the video, and ponder what you might be able to do to enjoy your own company just that little more

What do you enjoy doing in your ‘alone’ moments?

Amy

Quality of Life with Chronic Pain or Illness

From back pain to anxiety, from chronic fatigue to cancer; there are many challenges that people face on a day-to-day basis that can impact quite profoundly on quality of life.

So, if we don’t have the ability to get rid of these things, how can we learn to live with them, and to live with them well?

There are a few things that I’ve learnt over time, and a whole host more knowledge and wisdom out there that I’d love for people to share.

Some of the key things that I’ve discovered that have been really beneficial are:

Acceptance. You don’t have to like your pain or illness, but the energy that one can invest in hating it or mentally fighting it can end up being more draining than the condition itself. Make peace with you demons. Sit there and talk to it: “Okay, you’re here and I’ve tried fighting you and that hasn’t worked – you’re still here. So I’ve decided that I’m not going to invest my energy in fighting you any more. I’m also not giving up. I am going to let you be, but continue to look for ways to manage or overcome you, and I’m going to invest my energies in living a good life despite your presence. I’m not going to give you the power.”

Compassion. Have compassion for yourself. This is different from self-pity. Having compassion for yourself means responding to your needs – physical, psychological and social – and being gentle and kind to yourself. It is not using your condition as an excuse or an easy way out, but it is listening to and respecting your different needs and limitations. It also means recognising and capitalizing on your strengths. What qualities has what you’re dealing with brought out in you?

Growth and Learning. Adversity and challenges teach us much. Or at least, they provide the opportunity for learning and growth – it’s up to us whether we take it or not. What can you learn from what you’re going through? How can you use this to your advantage? How can you possibly use this knowledge to help and support others on their journey? Much wisdom can come out of suffering – if we are open to it. We either allow our suffering to make us become more bitter and closed, or we take the opportunity to let it support us to become more understanding, compassionate and open. In my experience (and I’ve tried both!), the second one is the one that generally leads to decreased suffering in the long run. Why? Because feeling bitter and closed does not feel good, and it adds an additional layer of suffering to the one we are already experiencing.

In summary? When you can push through and thus discover strengths you never knew you had, then do so.. but when you need to rest or do things differently because that is what you need, then do so. Listen to your body and listen to your inner wisdom – it is there, and the more you listen, the louder it will speak.

I hope that you are all travelling lightly. Please comment and share your own wisdom and learnings – that is how we can all grow together!

Kind regards,

Amy