What to do when you are Lost

Some times we lose our way.

“I’m lost”, we say.

What do we really mean by this?

Do we mean that we don’t know where we are?

Or do we mean that we’re not where we’d like to be?

Or don’t know how we got to a particular place?

Or  maybe that we just don’t know the ‘way out?

I think we often mean that we don’t know what direction to take from a particular point.

Somehow, we have ended up somewhere that we don’t want to be any more, and we’re not sure which way to move to change things.

So, what can we do when we are ‘lost?’

Does anyone remember what our teachers and parents told us?

“When you are lost, STOP and stay where you are”.

I think that although this was said in a different context, that it has some validity when it comes to being metaphorically (psychologically, emotionally) lost, also.

Instead of continuing to wander in circles or even further from our destination, what would happen if we just STOPPED and took stock?

What if we took the time to stand still, assess our situation, take stock of our resources (internal and external) and sit down to devise a feasible plan of action?

Ask yourself these questions (add some of your own):

• If I step back and stop judging what is going on inside and around me, what is the greater reality of the situation? Is it as bad as I feel that it is?
• How did I ‘find my way’ last time I felt ‘lost’?
• Are we ever really lost? Do you remember that saying “wherever you go, there you are”?
• What path do I want to walk on? What does it look like? What is the first thing that I would need to do in order to walk that path?

We may not have chosen to lose our way, but we can choose what we do when it happens.

Stop, sit down. Take a deep breath. Assess your surroundings.

Now, what is the first thing that you need to do to walk the path that you want to be walking?

DO IT.

Edited to Add.. A wise person suggested (after reading this), that at times,  ‘lost’ can be when we stop being true to ourselves. That in a sense, we ‘lose ourselves‘. The followed up with some additional questions to ask ones’ self: “Is what I’m doing / saying being true to myself?” Asking ourselves this question can be a way to help us ‘find’ ourselves again – to help as live in line with our own being and values. I thought it a valid contribution to add!

The Rules we Make and Live By

Frustration, anger, resentment, upset, disappointment.

These are just some of the feelings that we can get when Our Rules have been broken.

By Our Rules, I mean all those guidelines, expectations or rules that we expect ourselves or others to adhere to in life. We don’t realise we hold most of them until we really start to pay attention (and even more so, until they’re broken). When you look closely, you’ll find that we have rules for everything.

Social interaction:

“When I say ‘hello’ and smile, you are meant to say ‘hello’ and smile back”

“When I ask a question, you are meant to give an answer”

For work or study:

“I should write at least one blog post a week and it should be written on a Monday”

“I should get at least a B on all my papers, otherwise I’m a failure”

Living situations:

“If I wash the dishes, it is someone else’s job to put them away”

“Whoever doesn’t have the cat on their lap has to get up and answer the door”

What is the point of becoming more aware of our own rules though? Aren’t they fair enough? Don’t they make the world go ’round?

Maybe. But how do you feel when one of your rules is broken? What happens if you smile and say hello, but the other person ignores you? How do you feel if you get a C or a D on a paper? We can’t govern what others do, but we can chose how we react and respond when they break our rules.

Some time ago I started writing down some my rules. I wrote them down as I noticed them being broken. I knew a rule had been broken because I was feeling angry or hurt or disappointed (or just something other than happy or content). I would feel badly and ask myself “okay, what rule do I have that has just been broken?” It turned into a game for me and it allowed me to smile at myself; “Jane didn’t say ‘hello’ to me as she came into the office.. Oh wow, I have a rule that Jane is supposed to say ‘hello’ to me every time she walks in at the beginning of the day.” Jane broke my rule by not saying ‘hello’. Who’s rule did she break? My rule. In this situation, noticing this allowed me to ask myself why Jane should say ‘hello’ to me – did we come up with this rule together and agree that this is what would happen? No. I made this rule up and I just expect Jane to follow it. Hrmm. Why should she though? It is not her rule. Recognising this allowed me to more easily shrug my shoulders and move on. Not surprisingly my list grew very quickly.

Yesterday I was feeling upset and disappointed with myself for not having written a blog post this week. Usually I love writing them, so why I hadn’t I written one? After all, it was Tuesday, and that is my deadline.  I expressed my upset to someone.. who fairly asked me who decided that a post must be written on Monday or Tuesday of each new week. “Who made up that rule?” she asked. I was caught out. “I did.”  “So who can change it if they want to?” (fair play). “I can.”

When we find ourselves upset or angry for breaking our own rules we have even greater  power to change how we respond, because not only can we understand why we’re feeling a certain way and have a chuckle about it but we have the additional power to re-write our rules, or even just discard ones that aren’t working for us anymore.

Some rules are good. They give us guidelines to live by and can help us with self-discipline and to reach out goals. They can help us engage in positive social interaction. There is a reason that we have them.

However, at the end of the day, when our rules are being broken and we’re not happy about it, isn’t it good to be able to reflect and realise that we are the ones who decide what they are? And more so, ask yourself,  isn’t it really kind of funny that we metaphorically write our own rule book for life, don’t read it ourselves or show it to anyone else, but expect everyone to abide by what’s in it?!

I wonder what your rules are…

How to be Alone

This morning I watched a You Tube video shared by a friend, and I knew instantly what this blog was going to be about. It is called (and found at) ‘How to be Alone’ and is by Andrea Davis (writer) and Andrea Dorfman (film-maker).

How many of us struggle at various times with feelings of ‘loneliness’?

How many of us find it difficult to feel a sense of peace and self-worth while alone with nought but our own company?

How many of us run from ourselves, keeping busy by shopping, television, gatherings, friends, Facebook… whatever the escape?

How many of us struggle to be with ourselves – un-interrupted – for even just an hour?

How many of us feel like less of a person because our social calendar is not full or we to not have a romantic partner?

How beautiful and peaceful it might feel if we could embrace our ‘aloneness’ without feeling disconnected from life, the world… from feelings of self-worth?

It is not that being with people and having those connections is not okay or important or precious… it is about how we be with ourselves in those times when they are not there or visible.

I invite you to watch the video, and ponder what you might be able to do to enjoy your own company just that little more 🙂

What do you enjoy doing in your ‘alone’ moments?

Amy

Quality of Life with Chronic Pain or Illness

From back pain to anxiety, from chronic fatigue to cancer; there are many challenges that people face on a day-to-day basis that can impact quite profoundly on quality of life.

So, if we don’t have the ability to get rid of these things, how can we learn to live with them, and to live with them well?

There are a few things that I’ve learnt over time, and a whole host more knowledge and wisdom out there that I’d love for people to share.

Some of the key things that I’ve discovered that have been really beneficial are:

Acceptance. You don’t have to like your pain or illness, but the energy that one can invest in hating it or mentally fighting it can end up being more draining than the condition itself. Make peace with you demons. Sit there and talk to it: “Okay, you’re here and I’ve tried fighting you and that hasn’t worked – you’re still here. So I’ve decided that I’m not going to invest my energy in fighting you any more. I’m also not giving up. I am going to let you be, but continue to look for ways to manage or overcome you, and I’m going to invest my energies in living a good life despite your presence. I’m not going to give you the power.”

Compassion. Have compassion for yourself. This is different from self-pity. Having compassion for yourself means responding to your needs – physical, psychological and social – and being gentle and kind to yourself. It is not using your condition as an excuse or an easy way out, but it is listening to and respecting your different needs and limitations. It also means recognising and capitalizing on your strengths. What qualities has what you’re dealing with brought out in you?

Growth and Learning. Adversity and challenges teach us much. Or at least, they provide the opportunity for learning and growth – it’s up to us whether we take it or not. What can you learn from what you’re going through? How can you use this to your advantage? How can you possibly use this knowledge to help and support others on their journey? Much wisdom can come out of suffering – if we are open to it. We either allow our suffering to make us become more bitter and closed, or we take the opportunity to let it support us to become more understanding, compassionate and open. In my experience (and I’ve tried both!), the second one is the one that generally leads to decreased suffering in the long run. Why? Because feeling bitter and closed does not feel good, and it adds an additional layer of suffering to the one we are already experiencing.

In summary? When you can push through and thus discover strengths you never knew you had, then do so.. but when you need to rest or do things differently because that is what you need, then do so. Listen to your body and listen to your inner wisdom – it is there, and the more you listen, the louder it will speak.

I hope that you are all travelling lightly. Please comment and share your own wisdom and learnings – that is how we can all grow together!

Kind regards,

Amy

Can people really MAKE us feel things?

How often do we say things such as “he made me so angry today!”, “she made me feel really stupid when…” or “Amy is so irritating!”

Do people really have the power to make us feel or do different things?

I’m a strong believer in the power that language holds. I’m also a firm believer that ultimately, we are responsible for our own reactions, emotions and responses.

Every day we will come across people or situations that trigger different feelings in us. We might feel sad, hurt, lonely, stupid, happy, angry, joyous or any other number of things. When we take responsibility for these feelings, an amazing and powerful thing happens: we are put in a position where we can choose to respond in a different way.

Eleanor Roosevelt once famously said “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

They also can’t make you feel anything else.

For many of us, we allow or emotions and immediate reactions to rule and guide us. We often don’t realise that, if we step back, we actually have a choice in how we feel and respond

To take responsibility for ones’ own emotions and reactions is by no means an easy feat. Like any great and worthwhile skill, it takes much patience, practice and hard work. Like many worthwhile skills though, the pay-off when we do develop some mastery in the area is enormous; we are no longer at the ‘mercy’ of the world and people around us.

Let me give you an example:

You are in the supermarket (grocery store). You are tired, the place is busy and you just want to get through the check-out and back home. You’re standing in line feeling all these things, and some one cuts in front of you. This makes you angry. How dare she cut in front of you? Doesn’t she realise how rude it is, and how long you have been waiting? What gives her the right to make you wait? You either say something or leave the store (eventually) feeling angry and agitated. You might even go home and recount the injustice to an available party: “I was standing in line and this woman just cut right it! She made me so mad! I can’t believe people these days!” Initially, you might feel better, but overall you’ve just spend an hour or two (or more) feeling angry and hard-done-by.

But what about if you approached it in a different way? Let’s try this again…

You are in the supermarket (grocery store). You are tired, the place is busy and you just want to get through the check-out and back home. You’re standing in line feeling all these things, and some one cuts in front of you. You feel the anger coming up, but decide that you are going to do things differently this time – you have learnt that you have a choice. You notice and acknowledge the anger. You could say something and try to reclaim your original place in line, but on this occasion you decide that it isn’t worth the hassle. Instead you take take a deep breath, you shrug inwardly and say to yourself “oh well, I’ll just get home five minutes later. I’m already tired, I don’t want to be angry, too”. You let it go. You get home five minutes later than you would have and you are still tired, but in this instance you are just tired.

“But it’s the principle of the thing!”

Well, yes, there is that. But is the principle always worth the energy and effort? And does feeling angry or irritated change what has happened? Does it benefit you in any way? My only advice here would be “choose your battles”; if in your mind it’s one worth fighting for then go for it. Just weigh up the pros and cons first.

This is only one example amongst the infinite number that could be given. What is it for you? The toilet seat left up? Someone hasn’t done the dishes? Jenny didn’t say hello to you today? Sam declined your Facebook friendship request? Sophie got a big promotion and you didn’t?

These things can all mean something to us and can evoke different emotion. That said, on their own, they do not have to have power over us. They only have power when we give them power.

Try watching your thoughts, feelings and reactions. Just watch.

When you feel ready, challenge them.

Listen to the things that you say to yourself and others.. be curious. Experiment with using language that empowers you; often these are “I” statements:

• “I felt so angry when George was a half hour late”
• “When I heard that Sophie got a promotion, I felt like my hard work wasn’t being recognised”
• “I felt really irritated when the woman at the store cut in line”

In all of these statements, the situation hasn’t changed, but the response has – even if the same feelings are present, YOU are the one that is claiming the responsibility for them. This then allows you to then choose what you do with them. You are no longer at the mercy of your world and emotions, but instead in a position to choose where you go with them.

Next time you hear yourself, ask yourself “did Jack really make me upset? Or am I upset by what Jack did?”

Watch, listen, experiment, ponder… share your learnings 🙂

Conflict: do we need to avoid it?

Recently a friend posted on Facebook about learning to approach conflict and seek resolution with new approaches. Instead of avoidance, she posited that she would like to practice working with conflict through increased listening, understanding, respect for different position and at times just flat-out agreeing to disagree. Like many of us, she spoke of her tendency to want to “solve” or “resolve” any conflict as quickly as possible, and had realised that this approach stopped her at times for fully listening to and understanding the situation. I think her insight reflects the approach that many of us share.

Conflict is uncomfortable. Like with feelings that we label as “negative” (hurt, anger, pain, loneliness), many of us seek to avoid or escape. In a recent post on fear, I spoke a bit about how we can approach things differently. Is it possible that to ultimately achieve a greater level of peace and well-being that we might need to make “peace” with conflict? In the words of my wise friend, to accept that conflict is part of life; to seek to work with and resolve it constructively with respect, honesty, understanding and integrity. What would happen if we took this approach rather than seeking to squish it or move away from it as quickly as possible?

I want to make the point that by making peace with conflict, I do not mean that I feel we should promote or “feed” conflict – conflict to conflicts sake is just damaging. What I do mean is that when conflict arises, I think that we may be able to practice working with it in better and more constructive ways.

Next time you’re having a disagreement with some one, do an experiment…

• Take a deep breath and be willing to sit with the uncomfortable feelings that it brings up
• Actively listen to the other persons point of view / position
• Ask questions
• Give it time and space
• Acknowledge all different points of view (including your own!)
• Don’t seek the quickest way out – give the situation the time it needs in order to negotiate or figure out the most suitable solution(s)
• Reflect later on how you felt about the process; what was different?

I’ve also been informed (and would concur) that conflict, regardless of how it is dealt with, uses up a lot of emotional energy. Some people get tired, others need space or “time out” and still others feel “starving” (from a five year old) after dealing with it! Remember to look after yourself and replenish your energies in whatever way you need to. The better you care for yourself, the better able you are to care for others and to engage with life in a positive and personally meaningful way.

Kudos & many thanks to the to wise woman who inspired this post!

I’m interested in the rest of your thoughts on how you manage conflict in your life… share?

A Worthwhile Day

A sense of purpose is something that a lot of people struggle to find. Often we look at the big picture – “life purpose” or “meaning to life” to give us this. Sometimes this is helpful, but what about when we’re not able to identify one? How can we have worth, meaning and purpose in each day? As we often hear, we can only take it “one day at a time….”

I was once prompted to sit down and think about what things I felt that I needed in my day to feel a sense of purpose. What were the ingredients in each day that, at the end of it, had me satisfied with what I had achieved? I created a mind-map for myself (a fabulous tool for this called ‘Mindomo’ can be found on Creaza).

The ingredients that are needed in a day will be different for each of us. What is it that is important to you? What brings you to life? What gives you a sense of satisfaction? What components do you need to feel balanced and grounded?

Some of the things that I found essential for my personal recipe for a well-lived day were:

• Movement / exercise
• Work – professional, personal
• Study – professional, personal
• Service – giving to the community in some way
• Getting something done around the house (cleaning, sorting, tidying)
• “Down time” – reading, listening to music, walking, or some other activity that allowed me to recuperate and let my mind process whatever had been going on
• Community – contact with friends and / or family

I had other ingredients, but these are just to give you an idea or the sort of things you might consider. I’d be interested to hear what other people need in their days.

On top of the broad categories, I’ve found that it was also very helpful to give examples of what each of the activities or areas might “look” like – this was very helpful in helping to become clear on exactly what I was talking about. For example, what would “service” look like? Was it visiting someone? Was it picking up some rubbish in the local streets? Was it offering to share my umbrella with a stranger on a rainy day? Any or all of these things and more! It was also very helpful on the days when I felt a bit stuck for ideas, or felt a bit tired to come up with new ones.

At times, I would even use my self-created recipe as a sort of “tick-box” guide to planning my day. Alternatively, other days I found that it wasn’t needed and would get thrown out of the window as I got caught up in other activities. However, I find that even now, I bring myself back to this personal recipe when I’m feeling a bit lost or lacking in direction and purpose,  using it to set my course and find my feet again.

So that is me. What would be on your list? What do YOU need each day to feel like it has been a day worth living? I’d be interested to hear!!

But I’m Scared!!

Fear is a part of all of our lives. The biggest trouble (and blessing) of fear, is that it doesn’t go away if we ignore it. If we’re scared of chickens, our fear of them wont diminish by avoiding them – it will just remain more or less dormant until we are confronted by a squawking, egg-laying farm hen. If it doesn’t lay dormant, then it festers and grows while we do everything we can to avoid coming into contact with what we fear.

What are you scared of? Spiders? People? Speaking in public? Failure? Being alone? Being seen? Being found out? Caterpillars?

The worst part of our natural tendency to avoid things that make us anxious is that our fear grows in proportion to the efforts we go to in order to protect ourselves. The more things we avoid, and the greater the extent to which we avoid them, the more fearful we become, and the less it takes to send us into a blind panic. We end up like a turtle tucked away in its shell, trying to feel safe with every ounce of our being. In the end though, the fear is no longer present in things that we can easily define to others – the fear comes from within, tangling our minds into tense, shaking little balls. We become too scared to stick even a toe out of our shells, because we know how scared we are already, and can’t imagine being able to tolerate (let alone accept!) even more fear.

With this in mind, the worst fear, I think, and the one most worth tackling, is actually the fear of fear. As long as we remain scared of fear, we remain paralysed with regards to facing any of our other fears.

Want to know a secret, though? Fear can’t hurt you.

Fear can make you feel uncomfortable. It can turn your tummy into knots. It can have you running to the bathroom or feeling sick. It can make you shaky, it can make you sweat, it can make you feel clammy… but it can only stop you doing things if you give it the power to.

As Pema Chodron once wisely wrote in a story about a young warrior going into battle with Fear, Fear’s weapons are “that I talk fast, and I get very close to your face. Then you get completely unnerved, and you do whatever I say”… Fear goes on to say that “If you don’t do what I tell you, I have no power. You can listen to me, and you can have respect for me. You can even be convinced by me. But if you don’t do what I say, I have no power.”

One of the most well-known but unrealised secrets is that if you can acknowledge your fear but do what you are scared of despite its presence, then you have discovered the first step to becoming free.

“I see you Fear, and that’s okay – come, sit on my shoulder and prattle away,

but I’m going to do this regardless of what you say!”

Sleep, tips and motivation!

We all have different requirements when it comes to sleep. Some of us need 9 hours, and others function better on 5 – 7. One thing that most of us have in common though is that we generally function better, are happier, and are more motivated to do things when our sleep needs have been met.

So, your sleep is out of kilter and you’re lacking the energy (and thus motivation!) to do anything? Here are some starting tips of basic “sleep hygiene” to try to help you get back on track and enjoying your days more:

• Develop a routine. Go to bed at the same time and get up at the same time (yes, even on the weekends!). It’ll be hard to start with, but it will get easier!
• Have a “wind-down” routine. Do you know that saying “bath, book, bed” for kids? It works great for adults, too! Work out what works for you, but avoid stimulating activities like computers, television, work or study before bed.
• Bed is for sleep and sex. Do your study or work elsewhere! If you take other activities you your bed, your mind creates an association between being awake and being in bed – you want your mind to associate your bed with sleep.
• Avoid caffeine after around 3:00pm. Some will need to avoid earlier, some can manage a bit later. Don’t forget that de-caf is always an option!
• If you have trouble falling asleep and find you get anxious, try listening to meditations, an audio-book or relaxing music. When doing this, try to keep bringing your focus back to the music instead of letting your mind travel into the “land of worry”.
• Get some sunshine and exercise in your day. A good whack of both will help your body sleep soundly at night. Even a half-hour fast-paced walk can do wonders! Avoid engaging in physical exercise in the three hours prior to sleep though – doing so will wake up your body rather than move it toward rest.
• Avoid alcohol in the hours before bed. It may help you fall asleep, but it leads to a lower quality sleep and will often have people waking up during the night.
• Don’t go to sleep hungry. Sleep-supporting snacks include bananas and milk, both of which raise the levels of melatonin in the brain, a sleep-inducing hormone.
• Cover up your alarm clock – looking at it and counting the hours of sleep that you will or wont get will only make you more anxious!
• Arrange your bedding so that you are not too hot nor too cold – layers are good because they can be easily adjusted.

Creating a healthy, sleep-supporting routine and environment can take energy and time, but the pay-off is worth it. Try setting yourself a goal a day as to what you will change to support better sleep. As your body adjusts, it will thank you and you’ll wake up feeling more refreshed and consequently have more energy and motivation for all your other activities. Sleep isn’t the sole motivational key, but it is definitely a foundational one!

I’ll write more about other motivational tools in future posts. For now, work on getting a good nights rest, and write in with your own sleep tips!

Good-night, sleep tight

Don’t let the bed-bugs bite

If they do, HUG them tight

So they wont bite

Tomorrow night!

Boundaries and Communication: What and Why?

“Boundaries” get talked about a lot in therapeutic settings, and often come up in regards to relationships. In setting boundaries, we are really defining what we will accept from another in terms of type and timing of interactions.

The benefits of defining for yourself what your boundaries are in any given relationship – work, friendship, partnership or other – are that they can help you identify what does and doesn’t work for you and puts you in a position to communicate them. Communicating boundaries can help avoid misunderstandings and help people to “know where they stand” in a relationship. If we don’t communicate our boundaries, it is easier for uncertainty, hurt, anger or resentment to arise when boundaries are unknowingly crossed. For example, is it okay for a friend to call you at 11:00pm? How do you feel if a friend calls you past your “acceptable” time? Have you shared with them what time it is okay to call until? How could having a shared knowledge of acceptable calling times benefit your friendship?

Let’s use housemates / flatmates as an example.

Different people will have different boundaries or rules of interaction when it comes to housemates, and they will often be refined over time with influence coming from all involved parties.

Different types of rules (or boundaries) that might need exploration in a housemate relationship might include:

• Types of conversations and questions: Are personal conversations acceptable, or do you wish to keep communication in the “lighter” realm so that private lives are kept separate?
• Common VS private spaces:  How do you establish where interaction is acceptable? For example, is it shared understanding that one can be approached while in a shared area, but not when in one’s bedroom? If the door of the bedroom is open, does this signal that it is okay to be approached? If it is closed, does this signal a need for privacy?
• Guests: Must permission be sought, or due notice given if a third party is to be invited to stay the night? Would different rules apply to day-time guests?
• Food and resources (laundry powder, toilet paper): Do you want to keep your food separate, or will you share? Are some items okay to share but not others? Is it okay for you each to borrow food if it is replaced the next day? Is it okay to use and not replace?
• Furry friends: If animals are present in the house, whose responsibility is it to take care of them (feed, buy food, change litter, walk, collect eggs)? What happens if the primary owner of the animal is going away?

An useful communication tool that I have used with one chatty housemate was sharing my “thermometer” and what she could expect from me in terms of interaction depending on how anxious I felt. After initial difficulties and feelings of resentment on my part when by (undefined) boundaries were crossed, I worked out that I could manage (and enjoy!) and what was too much for me.

When at blue (very calm) or green (moderately calm) I found that I could easily listen, but that I started to find it more difficult if I was at yellow (moderately anxious), and that I needed my own space completely when I was at orange (very anxious) or red (melt-down stage!).

Instead of continuing to get mixed messages from me, we established what she could expect from me at different colours: if I was at blue or green, we could talk easily. If I was at yellow, she could talk but with the knowledge that I couldn’t be so engaged and would likely be distracted by other things. If I was at orange or red, I really needed my own space.

Communicating this and establishing these boundaries was challenging, but the outcome has been that she now asks me what colour I am at before launching into conversation and she is receiving fewer mixed messages from me. It has also meant that I feel more relaxed in my home and less resentful or annoyed at her chattiness, and can actually enjoy it instead.

The house is more relaxed and we are both more at ease.

What areas of your life might you want to sit down and explore or define what your boundaries are?

What relationships in your life might benefit from the communication of your boundaries?